Anonymity of JnNBK


Please understand my anonymity on my blog. I write of all my life's experiences and belive that I should keep my identity and the identity of the people in my life to be anonymous. I am honest with my life experiences and some may find it offensive if anyone else was to discover of their true identity. I am expelling secrets that some would feel very uncomfortable about doing and/or would not want anyone else to know the full truth of the situation. Thank-you for your understanding and respecting my wishes.

JnNBK

My photo
Canada
I am a divorced semi-single parent of a beautiful girl. I say "semi-single parent" as I am in a committed relationship with an amazing man(whom I refer to as "Handsome"). I'm currently battling with stints of depression caused by hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I am constantly at war with myself over the choices and decisions I make as an individual, partner & mother. I love being a mother & I am very blessed to have my daughter in many, many ways. I view myself as a survivor. I know that I am capable of surviving anything that life may toss my way. Sometimes we all need to escape from the recesses of our own mind and the best way I do that is through the beauty of mother nature & laughter. There is no better cure for the blues than a good hardy laughing session.

Email

Feel free to leave comments on my blog or contact me directly via email at: jnnbkblogger@gmail.com

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Me Knitting?!

I was over at my brother's one weekend not too long ago, assisting my sister-in-law who just had surgery. While I was over helping take care of my nieces and my sister-in-law she taught me the very basics of knitting. 



I found it very relaxing and extremely addictive! Since then I have knitted myself some wrist and palm warmers (and surprisingly they turned out quite nice). So now I have decided to do my first official large project.

Mother's day and my mom's birthday are coming up soon. So I have decided to knit her a Poncho for her. A little something she can throw on to sit out on her deck on those cooler nights in the summer.

We will see how it goes and how frustrated this perfectionist gets while completing the project!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I know that I shouldn't allow these things to get to me after almost six years - but they are HUGE button triggers for me.

My daughter's grandparents (her father's folks) gave her a birthday gift with a letter stating how important she is and how much they care and blah, blah, blah. I got an email asking if we received their parcel and asking me to send recent photos of my daughter because Grandma's mother wants to see the pictures and because my daughter is so important to them.

My blood boiled! If my daughter is so important to them (as they claim); then why is it that they have never called her in almost six years? Sure they send a small gift at Christmas and on her birthday, but nothing else.

They never write to she how she is doing. They have yet to call to speak to her or try to get to know her. They only see her when they are out visiting their son. Actions speak louder than words and right now their actions do not indicate what the are saying.

All they are doing is sending mixed messages to my daughter and making things more confusing for her. I see where her father gets his ideology from . . . his mother.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Falling Apart

Sometimes I wonder if I am falling apart at the young age of 32.

Saturday morning I woke up with a very painful hand, wrist and arm - I just put it off as I must have slept on it funny. As the week progressed the pain intensified and I experienced a constant burning sensation all over my hand and wrist.

Last night the pain was unbearable and I was experiencing numbness in my pinkie and ring finger. So off I trotted to the Urgent Care Centre and proceeded to wait patiently for 4 hours before I am seen by a doctor and sent off to get x-rays. Of course, it is not broken (as I didn't fall or experience any trauma to my hand) so the put it off as carpal tunnel and place me in a splint.



I get home at a ridiculously late hour to briefly fill in Handsome on what the doctor had to say. I got very little sleep do to the pain and my normal insomnia.

I wake up to be in more pain then I was in last night. I make arrangements to see my family doctor. She inspects it, twists it, contorts it (making more pain) and goes "hmmmm what a conundrum ... I believe it is a mixture of tendinitis, carpal tunnel and I believe that lump is a ganglion". Wear the splint to 10 days, try not to use your arm and hand, then go for physio. Oh, yeah, also if the lump grows come back! She did prescribe an anti-inflammatory topical creme.

Needles to say my hand and wrist burns constantly and don't ask me what it feels like to move my fingers .... hell in a hand basket!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Self Image

I saw this image on the Internet and it reached out to me and spoke to me on many levels.
I know that I am not the only one that feels this way or experiences feelings of self loathing at their reflection in the mirror.

I fall victim to negative self-image thoughts all the time. For as long as I can remember I have not been able to fully look at myself in the mirror. I can focus on one particular item (i.e. my eyes when applying make-up or my mouth when I am brushing my teeth), the one thing I find very difficult to do is to look at my figure in the mirror.

When I do look at my reflection of my figure I am filled with critical negative comments that run through my mind. I don't like the size of my stomach or my hips. I don't like the look of my upper arms in that top or I just see myself of a fat blob of yuck.

Now, I don't always feel this way when I look at myself either. There are times that I look at the mirror and am very pleased at what I see. I see my reflection and feel beautiful, sexy and self assured. I believe what most of my negative thoughts I do experience is a direct result from my weight gain that I have had since my hysterectomy and oophorecotomy. Most of my anger and frustration stems from the fact that I have been diligent with watching my food, calories in and out and being actively exercising and not seeing or feeling any results. 50 pounds is a lot of weight to change your appearance and your reflection looks more like an 80 pound weight gain!

I have come to realize that it is extremely easy to remember, recall and to believe in all of the negative comments I have ever received; but it takes me a decent amount of time to recall a compliment. Why is that so? Is it because a negative comment has an immediate emotional response that embeds it into our minds? How is it that a positive compliment gets pushed to the recesses of my mind and is difficult to pull forward and recall?

It is very difficult when you are admits a depression to stay focused on positive things and especially positive thinking habits. I have my good days and I definitely have my bad: down low and bluer then hell days too.

Today I am in between and shift up and down. But I am using meditation to help elevate my moods. Most of all, I must remember that I love myself for my achievements, accomplishments and everything in my life. I am my own best friend and I must improve how I think, feel and see myself in order to be free of negativity.


Monday, April 18, 2011

Irony at it's Best



Pick up any magazine and you see the subliminal messages that you are only sexy if you are fit, thin and beautiful. Watch television and you will see frequent ads to eat a range of food from healthy snacks to the greasy unhealthy fast food.




Media on the whole pushes society to eat and primarily to eat excess amounts of food that has now led majority of society to be over weight to obese. You go out for food and the portion sizes are doubled if not more than what is recommended. You can’t go to the mall without being assaulted with the smells of mouth-watering food that is high in sugar, salt or carbohydrates.

You see commercials for mindless, convenient eating which sends out subliminal messages to eat at your desks at work, in front of the television, in your car or to grab food on the run. Now, the downfall to all of this is when we do not sit down at a table and focus on the task of eating we tend to be distracted and as a result we usually over eat which builds up a daily calorie intake. We are pushed toward the fast lane, to always be on the go, go, go which leaves not much room to sit back and breathe let alone find time to regularly exercise beyond what is required from us in our daily tasks.

Society has become mindless towards the food that we put in our body. We are constantly moving forward to the next thing on our "To Do" lists and many of us do not take the time to sit back and enjoy a meal with the family or at the table where you are just focusing on that task of fueling our body. Instead we grab and run. Many of us do not take a moment to see where all of our calories are coming from - and the surprise is that majority of that is coming in the form of our fluid intakes. Hello Starbucks, Tim Horton's, Veggie Juices, Smoothies and more. I was shocked that I was easily consuming 1200 calories a day on three Tim Horton’s coffee and in the summer time I load up on my calories when I have my iced tea from Starbucks and that is not including the occasional Slurpee/slushy run on those extra hot days.

The food industry brain washes us with ads and commercials to eat, and eat for the delight, eat for your cravings, eat cause you can. They try to send out messages to eat "healthy" by having this granola bar because it is a good source of fiber but how many of us (in our busy lives) take the time to read all of the nutritional facts on this granola bar? Not many and as a result not many of us realize that this particular granola bar may be high in fiber but it is triple the amount of sugar, double the salt and high in carbohydrates. We take the false advertising as to be the word of GOD and trust that this particular granola bar is healthier and go with the flow just as the food industry wants us too.




The food industry also makes it more difficult for society to afford eating healthy and proper. All the crap/bad food for us is sold cheaper than the fresh produce. Makes on think what is the true priority?


Hmmmmm?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Doctor's Visit

I went to see my family doctor and I was well prepared. I went into the appointment with a list of all my symptoms and questions for my doctor. I left the doctor's office in a daze, frustrated and angry. I felt like she was not listening to what I had to say or considering all of my symptoms to mean more then what she was allowing them to be. She switch my estrogen medication, upped my current anti-depressant and added another anti-depressant to help me sleep.


I felt like she was just over medicating me to mask my symptoms instead of investigating the symptoms to get to the root of the problem. I proceeded to contact HealthLink, the Medication Help Line and decided to go to my favorite walk-in doctor and spoke with him. I am so glad that I did! He agreed with me that I do need an Endocrinologist and that most of my symptoms are a result of a hormonal imbalance. He strongly disagreed with the new anti-depressant prescribed as a sleep aid and he referred me to the top Endocrinologist in the City.


I feel at ease knowing that I now will be seen by a specialist who will take the time and energy to check all of my hormone levels and find the right balance for my body. The idea that soon I might be back to my normal self prior to the surgeries makes me ecstatic at the idea. Maybe once my hormones are balanced I will no longer need anti-depressants and will be able to loose weight properly.


I am trying to be optimistic about it all but at the same time it is hard to get my hopes up just from the past 3.5 years of no success.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Should we Have to Fight for our Health?

I am at my breaking point. I am beyond frustrated at not being able to sleep and/or waking up in the morning in pain from my shoulders up. I have suffered from insomnia since I was 12 years old on and off but I am coming on to at least two years now of getting anywhere from two to five hours sleep a night.


Not being able to sleep is taking it's toll on me mentally and physically. I am positive that it is contributing to my depression, fatigue and lack of desire to work out (which in turn affects my weight loss goals and achievements).








I have made an appointment to see my GP and discuss my insomnia and I am also going to looking into my different options of and/or the need to be on hormone replacement therapy. I find it very difficult to function this way not having any control of my thoughts and feelings. This has only been an issue since my hysterectomy but mainly since the removal of my ovaries.


I do not regret having these procedures as it has improved my physical health and well being. It is nice to live life without pain and major discomfort. But I am greedy! I want my life to go back to the way it was prior to my ailments! I want to live life pain free and in control of my emotions,. Why should I settle for living life in a constant state of BLAH? I want to be able to sleep and not be constantly fatigued. I want to gain back my desire to workout and mainly I want to feel good about myself again.


I do not think that this is too much to ask for - so why am I fighting tooth and nail to have the health care system look into this and rectify the problem? Why has it come down to society having to fight for their health and mental well being?






I am a determined woman by nature - once my mind is set there is no way to make me stray from my path. I will figure this out and I will find a solution! I will be whole again.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Harsh Truth

My daughter has a lot of pent of anger, frustration and confused feelings towards her absentee father that has re-surfaced after 18 months. She sat down and wrote a very heart wrenching letter to her father and I could not be anymore proud of her as I am at this moment. It took a lot of courage and strength to write what she did.

I just hope that her father will get what she is telling him and that it slaps him hard enough to wake up and see what his actions (or lack there of) is doing to our daughter.

If I was in his shoes I know that I'd be crying and over ridden with guilt with some of the points she made in the letter mainly this:
 
"I don't want to see you because I don't have anything to really say to you because I don't really know about you anymore and you don't know anything about me."
My daughter poored out her heart and layed everything on the line and now everything is in her father's court to rectify and fix. She was spent after she wrote the letter but said she felt better getting most of it off her chest. She did advised that she has more hard feelings that she needs to cope with but has no real way to explain them to anyone.


My heart bleeds for her to know that she is hurting and suffering so much due to one's lack of interest, insight and general care towards her. How could any parent treat a child this way? How could any parent not care to be involved in their child's life?


I guess there will always be some questions that go unanswered in life. We just have to breathe and take small steps to get through it.