My Oath, as a mom, To My Daughter

I remember rubbing my huge stomach in a soothing circular motion late one evening and mentally pledging an oath to my unborn daughter.

I will love and nurture you to the end of all days. I will always love you even if I’m not overly fond of you at a particular moment in time, or when I don’t like that things you say or when you have broken the rules and have done something bad. My love for you will be unconditional and constant no matter the circumstances. My love for you will always allow me to forgive your lack of listening skills, failure to comply with my rules and wishes and when dealing with your anger.

I will do whatever it takes to ensure that you are safe, that you have a roof over your head, that you always have food to eat, that you will always be clean, warm and dry. I promise to have a safe, calm home for you to grow, learn, expand and explore you creativity, individuality and ambitions free of fear and judgment.

I promise to do my damnedest to ensure that you are happy; but on the off chance that you ever become sad I will be there to comfort and console you. I will assist you in coping with any emotions that you may feel and understand that you are entitled to have those feelings (even if I deem them unfounded, in my opinion) and if I can not do that on my own I will ensure that I will find somebody that can no matter what the cost may be.

I will encourage that you express your opinions, beliefs and feelings - and I will listen to the same and take them into consideration before making a parental judgment call. I swear that any choices I make will always be in your best interest through hell or high water.
I promise to cradle and encourage your creativity, imagination, uniqueness and individuality. Even if I do not agree I promise to let you be yourself. I promise to allow you the right to be heard, taken seriously and to make your own mistakes.

I will always love you and be proud of you no matter what has occurred. I may get frustrated because you may not listen to my advice or not seek my advice in decisions you might make but I will always have my arms open wide for you to confide in and a shoulder for you to cry on. I will support you in all that you do or not do. I will be patient and understanding in any choices that you make and assist you in any way that I can with any outcome and/or consequences of your decisions.

I swear to always tell you the truth - may it be guarded to protect your developing mind and character. I will not withhold the truth from you completely - I may advise you that I will not go into detail until you’ve reached an appropriate age to grasp the whole concept.

I promise to be consistent and never to give false threats. I will be firm to prevent you from forming bad habits. I will work hard to mold you to become a smart, polite, confident and independent individual. I will never make you feel small, insignificant, unwanted or unloved. I will give you my all but I am human and therefore imperfect and I too can make mistakes as well as any other. I promise to strive to be the best mom that I can be with huge amounts of love, faith and trust in you, my beloved daughter to be.

The Extent of Cruelty of Mankind

My best friend and I … well ... we like to read dark, morbid books. We have started a book reading club of these types of books amongst ourselves. I know that she is frustrated at my speed reading and that I have read five books to her two but I am patient and ensure that I don’t ruin her reading experience.

Anyways, we are reading memoirs on some cruel, sick and disturbed individuals that lack normal parenting skills and ethics. It is amazing to read what these survivors suffered and endured as children at the hands of some twisted individuals. When I read one of these books; I find myself asking the same question(s) over and over again. Primarily, how can someone treat any child and/or human being this way? What on earth makes them think that their choices and behaviour is justifiable, ethical or humane?

Why do we, my friend and I, read these types of books? I think we do because we see that no matter what kind of hell these children lived through - they have managed to survive it and make something of themselves in spite of all of it, and now they have the strength and the courage to re-live the whole experience again so that they can share it with the world in hopes that they will educate people of such cruelty and mainly try their hardest to prevent this from occurring again and again.

It is very sad to know that these types of inhumane acts occur over and over again all around the world (and more so in certain countries). It is disturbing to know that there are people out there that are sick, perverted and morbid enough to inflict such horrors on anyone let alone and innocent child.

We have read and plan to read more of Cathy Glass’s books. She was a foster parent and tells the stories of some of the children she fostered and helped in their time of need. It is absolutely amazing that Cathy has and had the heart and patience to open her home and family to these troubled and scared children. It takes a special individual to be able to do that and to cope with the horrors of each of these children as she assists them in obtaining a better, healthier future.

There are many times while reading these memoirs that my heart breaks for these individuals that suffered in their childhood. Times that I thought I could comprehend the wickedness of mankind to discover that, yet again, I couldn’t have possibly imagined that. Some horrors are so unimaginable that they become hard to believe as the truth. I don’t think many of us can comprehend or imagine the degrees of cruelty that someone might inflict upon another.

After completing a book, I need to take time to reflect and purge the evil that I had just witnessed during the story. I look at my daughter and think (with my fingers and toes crossed) that I will move mountains to ensure that nothing like that ever happens to you. I will embrace you with my love and protect you from all harm. I will always love, nurture and support you through thick and thin. I will always be the one person that she can rely on and trust full heatedly.

What these books give me in the end is knowledge of what the warning signs can be and opened my eyes to be weary - that many have betrayed and that I have to be on my toes as a mother, friend and neighbour. That one’s character and soul is strong enough to overcome anything with time, love and support.

It Takes Time

From my past experiences, I have learned to let certain things roll of my shoulders and perfected the skill of selective hearing. My mother has been one to always be on my case about my weight and figure. Yes, I have gained a significant amount of weight since 2007 and I am well aware of it too. I have had confirmation that because I was not receiving an appropriate amount of estrogen that my body was only burning 1/8th of the calories it should have been. I know that this is not a full excuse and that I am partly too blame for my weight gain from the lack of healthy lifestyle and exercise. But as result of the low estrogen; when I did try to work on loosing weight I was not successful as my body wasn't in a good position to adjust and assist me in my efforts.

My mom is "concerned" about my weight and my appearance and has asked me to research some diet plans such as Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein etc... She is more interested in the Dr. Bernstein and believes this course of action is the best suitable for me; as I can loose weight rapidly under the medical observation of a doctor. She would really like me to loose weight so that I no longer look like I am pregnant.

She made a comment to that effect at dinner one night, and Handsome was quite perturbed over it. He politely and calmly advised my mother that I have gone through a lot from my surgeries and then not having the appropriate HRT for my body. He stated that my body has yet to level itself out and to have time to balance itself out. That he strongly believes that we should wait and see how my body reacts to the new dose of estrogen and see what my body will do from there. Also, that he finds me beautiful and that is all that matters at this time.

It was touching and nice to have my man stand up for me and diplomatically put my mother in her place. I am used to these types of comments and suggestions that they no longer really phase me too much. Seeing his reaction brought light on the situation that it was in fact not appropriate for my mother to make such a comment and suggestion at a family dinner.

I have personally decided that by the time taxes roll in; if I haven't succeeded in loosing any weight by changing my dietary lifestyle and physical activity then I will look into investing and partaking in the Dr. Bernstein's diet and program.

First, I want to allow my body to adjust and level out hormonally before trying anything. Because I know that if I don't; I will only become more deflated and frustrated if I see no results from my hard efforts. In the meantime, I am going to start making healthier decisions about what type of food I consume and start adding exercise into my daily routine of life.

The Truth Can be Very Harsh

My daughter wrote this heart felt letter to her father (she sat at our kitchen table one Saturday for four hours as she wrote the following all on her own):

"To Dad my feelings.

I am mad at you because you never called me when
you said you would and because you don't be nice to my mom.
I am mad at you because you don't buy my special milk and I eat cereal with water at your house.
It made me sad at christmas when you opened my
presents and when you call me you always interrupt me when I am talking you say you have to go and that's why I want to text you now.

I am a little nervous to see you and your new girlfriend because I never seen your new girlfriend before and I haven't seen you since Christmas 2009.
I don't want to see you because I don't have anything to really say to you because I don't really know about you anymore and you don't know anything about me. I want to see my feelings doctor so that I can tell her my feelings about you and so that I can feel a little bit better about telling you all of my feelings. Can you call my feelings doctor so that I can see her and talk to her.

I am scared to see you because I don't know what
to say to you and it will be quiet and uncomfortable. When I am ready to see you can your new girlfriend not be there and I want my mom and Handsome to be there. I was kind of happy to hear that you were back in town but I am not that happy because when I see you it will be scary."

My daughter was so nervous and terrified when we delivered this letter in person to her father way back in Spring. She regurgitated twice on the drive to his work and was trembling as we walked inside to find him. She handed it over to him and told him he need to read it but once she was gone. As we left to head back to our car, I told her how proud I was of her for being extremely brave and following through on the delivery. She looked at me and said "Thank-you. I am glad that is over with so now I do not have to talk or see him ever again!" I did explain that it does not work that way; that one day when they are both ready they will need to have a heart-to-heart talk and figure out where they will be going from there.

I have my doubts that he actually read the letter - because if he did one would think he'd place a phone call. We haven't heard from him since that day. My daughter has resigned to the fact that he is just not going to be around and she actually prefers it. "He stresses me out mom and now I have 'Handsome'; I don't need him.... I never needed him because I have you and that is all that matters".

I struggle with many emotions when it comes to the lack of relationship that my daughter has with her father. I have concluded that you can lead a horse to water but you can not force it to drink. Unfortunately, this man has dug is own grave with his daughter and I doubt he even realizes it.

Friend-A-Versary

Last Saturday,October 1st, marked three years since I met my best friend and we have been almost inseparable since that day. We have an unique bond that many can't fathom or understand. We are extremely open with one another and know each other so well that we can complete each other's sentences and thoughts. It is not very often one can meet an individual that understands you full yand accepts you for all that you are (that is not your soul mate).

There are times that we both feel that we are sisters by fate but not by blood. We have had our ups and downs individually but not many in our relationship. I find it a blessing that I was lucky enough to have stumbled upon her and our friendship. Our friendship is a constant support and comfort for each other's life.

The other evening, to mark the occasion, we went to paint pottery - something that I fully enjoy and something she does to pass and spend time with me. She has learned to be more patient when it comes to painting pottery and has developed her skills.  We decided to paint each other a mug to commemorate the date and something to have as a reminder of our friendship and what we mean to one another. Also, it will be very useful for the hours spent drinking tea and/or coffee with one another.