What Do I Say?

It has been more than five years now since I took the courage and the strength to stand-up for myself and my daughter; to say "Enough is Enough . . .  NO MORE!"


It was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I have had to make, although one that I do not regret. I know with no doubt in my mind that it was the best and the wisest decision for my daughter and I. In late 2005, terrified and with only my clothes and the necessities for my 19 month old daughter, I left my ex-husband.


I know that one day my daughter will come to me seeking to know more and wanting some answers. She has already asked me why don't we live with her father and why did I leave him.


My daughter is definitely not old enough for the nitty gritty details of the truth. I could not lie or sugar-coat the truth either. What was I going to say?


I told her in the simplest terms: I left you dad because he was really mean too mommy and he was starting to br mean to you too. I left him in our best interests, safety and for our own happiness. She just nodded and told me that I did what was best for us.


One day she will come to me wanting more information, but I honestly don't know what I would say. I don't believe that she should know everything about my relationship with her father; to let her know what he was really like and all that he had done to me.


I have put that chunk of my life behind me, stuffed it deep into a corner of my mind, Locked the door and hidden the key. I am still haunted by that time -- especially the empty shell of a person I was. Some of that time is a blur to me, however I can still taste the fear that I lived in. I can still quiver with that sick feeling that I had just at the thought of having to go home and dreading having to see and deal with him.


I wouldn't want to influence my daughter's feelings, thoughts and/or impressions of her father. If I was to dig back into my past, it wouldn't just be painful for me but how could I hurt my child with the knowledge of the abuse? How could I possibly let my "baby" girl see her father that way? Her dad manages to constantly hurt and disappoint her on a regular basis all on his own. How could I make my child's wounds worse?


The truth is so horrific that it would only sway her outlook towards him. She has a right to not see the dark, mean and scary side of her father. What child would want to have the ugly truth about how horrible a person can truly be; let alone a parent.


I just want to protect my little girl from the sorrow, anger and disgust -- to save her the pain. It is a port of my life that I am not proud of and something I have chosen to forget and learn from. I survived and I am still surviving. It has taken me a long time to come back for it and I am still picking up the pieces and conquering the fear.


It was the darkest time for me and was my biggest mistake in judgment, but I got the most prized possession of my life out of it; my beautiful daughter and knowledge. I have changed and I battle not to allow that time to effect me now. It will always be a minor battle for me but I do have faith that one day my fear will be obsolete and my trust in others will come easier to me.