A Mother's Love Can Move Mountains

After the fog lifted I had time to do some soul searching and I came to realize that I married a manned I din not truly love. That, in fact, I married a concept; an image of an ideal family that I desperately wanted at the time.


I did not take the time to sit back back and think; Am I making the right decision? Can I spend the rest of my life with this man - to grow old with him? Can I or am I willing to share my inner thoughts and concerns with him? I allowed my judgement to be clouded and I failed to recognize all of the read flags about the physiological abuse. I over loaded the reality that things were just beginning and were only going to progressively get worse with time. 


I was naive and thought it was just a few blows to my ego, that the name calling wasn't that bad and it wasn't wasn't like it was all of the time. It was just me being too sensitive and taking everything he says the wrong way. I sure didn't think that this was just gradual ease into the abuse or that I would change my whole personality completely as a preventative measure.


Once the "I do's" were said it was like a switch was flick on to hyper-drive. Almost over night everything was stepped up many more degrees. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells and I had to think and plan my every move; try to predict what the outcome could possibly be. I didn't want to set him off. I didn't wasn't to feel small, degraded, alone and fractured like I always did when he went off on a tyrant. Everything and anything seemed to get him going (i.e. the way I peeled potatoes or how I washed the baby bottles).


At the time that this was all happening, I just shut down and withdrew deep within myself and every day blurred into on another. I was slowly evaporating and my individuality and personality were slowly fading away each and every day. Leaving just an empty shell of the person I once was. I could not stand to look in the mirror . . . I did not like myself anymore.


I constantly thought if I annoyed him this much or if he despise me this much then why is he with me? Nothing I did was ever right for him; I constantly did everything the wrong way. I couldn't cook, clean , eat, laugh or breathe properly to appease him. He had successfully brain washed me to believe that I was not worth anything better, and that there was no other man in the entire world who would ever possibly want me, love me or find me attractive. He stole my desire, my will and my strength to fight for myself.


It was the darkest time of my live. I felt like I was being smothered and slowly losing the strength to battle. I hardly recognized myself and that soon I would be dead. Dead of all feeling and that there would be no more life within me to exist.


The he made two huge mistakes! Firstly, he under estimated me and, secondly, he started to be verbally abusive to our baby girl (the first time she was only six months old). What he seemed to overlook or never even possibly considered was that my love for my daughter and my internal mother's instinct to protect, love and nurture my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent women was all the will, desire and strength I would ever need. I did not and was not going to raise my daughter in an unhealthy, negative and toxic environment such as the one we were in. I sure the hell did not want to teach my daughter that this was acceptable and normal treatment from a husband to his wife or a father to his child. I did not want my daughter to grow up and accept this type of treatment and abuse as appropriate behaviour and to have her live through the hell that I was currently in. He  under estimated me in many ways and he continues to under estimate me too date. The main one being that there is nothing in this world that will ever prevent me from doing what is best for my daughter and her interest as a human being!