Left Arm Anterior Ulna Nerve Relocation Surgery

Last Thursday I went in for day surgery to have my ulna nerve relocated at my left elbow. This was my 9th surgery in my life yet I was very nervous and anxious to get this procedure done. I wasn't nervous to be put under by general anaesthetic or to go under the knife yet again but was scared at the concept of playing with my nerves! The procedure was scheduled to take about two hours ... my anaesthesiologist managed to sleep-in and showed up 45 minutes late! That sure did NOT help my anxiety ... nothing like putting my surgeon behind on his already packed schedule! This is not a procedure I want to even imagine my surgeon rushing through!

Like all my procedures it took seconds for me to fall into a dreamless drugged induced coma after listening to the warped and distorted sounds of the medical staff prepping the operating room for the surgery. I woke up in the recovery room in the most intense severe pain I have ever experienced! My whole left arm was ridden with searing pain that stole my breath and left me hyperventilating to regain control. My face was streaked with my involuntary streaming tears from the sensation of what I could only describe as hot molten lava coursing through my arm generating from my elbow! I have never experienced this form of hell especially coming aware from a surgery. I honestly would rather partake an abdominal surgery then do this one again.

I've lived in a drugged haze from percocet trying to numb myself from the pain which I have yet to be successful in doing to date! I  am trying my hardest to but on a brave front for my daughter, loved ones and family. I'm just trying to function in spite of the pain and assure myself that this is a means to an end. I know that this must be done to ensure that no further damage occurs to my hands and that the short term agony cannot outweigh the long term positive effects that will result after these surgeries.

I am finding it very hard to gather my will to focus on recovering knowing that in 86 days I will go back under the knife to have the same procedure performed on my right elbow. How can I possibly be brave or sane enough to willing go through with this again? Especially now knowing what kind of pain and agony is awaiting me upon waking up?

The Time is Near

I have seven days left before my Anterior Ulna Nerve Relocation Surgery at my left Elbow. I have to admit that I am anxious and am a bit edgy with this procedure. I think that it is the fact that they are playing with nerves. If I already suffer immense pain with an inflamed nerve how much more will be expected when they anger it by moving it around?

 Ugh! I am green with the thought.

What's Next?

Last Wednesday morning I started suffering from intense (steal you breath and drop to your knees) abdominal pain. After the pain was constant for an hour I left for my family doctor. She examined me and decided I needed further testing at Urgent Care. So, off I trotted to Urgent Care for testing and further examination. Five hours later then discharged me with no real clue of what I was suffering from and instructions that if my symptoms were to get worse or other symptoms develop I am to go into Emergency ASAP.

I was home for maybe two hours when things went down hill fast; so off I went to Emergency. While at Emergency I was hooked up to an IV and fighting with the nursing staff not to give me pain medication (as I had to drive myself back home when they discharge me) they sent me off for a CT Scan to rule out appendicitis. 2:30 a.m. Thursday, the results were back in and what they could tell me was what I did not have .... I didn't have appendicitis, a blocked bowel, twist intestines or Kidney and/or Gall Bladder stones. They will mark in down as "unidentified abdominal pain" and send me home with percocet.

I have to say that I just love how the health care system can tell me what I do not have and has no clue on what I might be suffering from. If they do not know what is wrong then how are they sure it is okay for me to go home to sleep it off with narcotics?

By Friday mid morning, I was still suffering from the same excruciating pain (and the percocet wasn't really effective) so off I went back to the Emergency. They tried a strong muscle relaxant, in hopes that I was suffering from severe cramping, and if the meds worked with relieving my pain all the better. But, of course as my luck goes, it did nothing besides making me woozy. So the Emerg Doctor advised that as I came into Emergency all they will do is rule out any life threatening causes. As I was exposed to radiation during my CT Scan on Wednesday, she was not willing to do so, again, so soon. So, I was discharged again with more percocet and with strong advice to have my family doctor refer me to a GI Specialist in hope to uncover what may be wrong (especially since this was my third episode in 12 months).

All I can do is shake my head as I, yet again, become the next guinea pig with upcoming tests.

Yay Me! Shingles

I am not overly stressed with my upcoming surgeries (ulna nerve relocation on both of my elbows). These two procedures will be my 9th and 10th surgeries in the last 11 years and, therefore, I am very familiar with the whole process of going under the knife and that aspect doesn't overly concern me.

I do have a few apprehensions with the actual concept of these surgeries ... that they will be playing with my nerves and relocating them. Nerves are a finicky business and I am not overly thrilled that they are having to play around with mine. But at the same time, if this will alleviate my pain and other issues with my hands I am all for that.


Sometimes I have to wonder why is it that I seem to have crappy luck? If I didn't have enough on my plate currently - life has decided to throw me a good old fashion case of Shingles to add to the mix. I do find it very ironic that I seem to be inflicted with odd things to add on top of my challenging life obstacles.

Soul Screamers Reading Challenge - My Soul To Take

My Soul To Take is the first book in the Soul Screamer series by Rachel Vincent. It is an excellent start to the series, full of suspense, intrigue, mystery and page turning excitement.

The story is about the main character, Kaylee Cavanaugh, who lives with her Uncle Brendon, Aunt Val and her snotty brat cousin, Sophie. Kaylee is also estranged from her father, Aiden, who lives in Ireland. She attends the local high school with Sophie, her best friend, Emma Marshall, and the mysterious and irresistible chic magnet, Nash Hudson. Within the next four hectic, chaotic and emotional days Kaylee will discover that she, in fact, is not your average or ordinary teenage girl and that her life is about to become very strange very fast.

It starts off with Kaylee and Emma sneaking into an over 18 dance club on Saturday night for an evening of fun. While there Kaylee catches the attention of Nash Hudson basking in the warmth of his hypnotic gaze and is thoroughly enjoying dancing with him. Everything, seemingly, is perfect until Kaylee spots a strawberry-blonde female (a stranger) dancing. Kaylee knows that something is terribly wrong with this girl. A dark sense of foreboding overtakes Kaylee because this girl is shadowed and she just knows without a doubt that the girl will die very soon ...

Struggling to contain the earsplitting scream that instinctively claws inside her throat striving to get out. Nash and Emma manage to get Kaylee out of the club then calm her down from her panic attack. Concerned, Nash asks questions and, for some unknown reason, Kaylee discloses what she could never tell before - not even to her best friend.

The next morning it is all over the local news -- the strawberry-blonde, Heidi Anderson, was found dead in the dance club's bathroom. Later on that evening Kaylee becomes aware that another teenage girl collapsed dead in a movie theatre. Is this just a coincidence? Kaylee doesn't feel like it is and senses that something is terribly wrong. While Kaylee comes to grips with the fact that her panic attacks are more than just that - that they're, in fact, morbid premonitions of death. Nash seems to understand more about what is happening to Kaylee more tthan what seems to be possible.

The following day, Kaylee, Emma and Nash are discussing the odd similarities of these two girls deaths when Kaylee, again, is struck with a premonition that another girl is about to die. As Kaylee scans the crowd her line of vision focuses on one girl in particular as she is cloaked in those eerily dark shadows. Minutes later that same girl collapses dead. 

Kaylee's suspicions are growing and too many questions come to mind. Nash has the answers to a few and believes he knows someone that may know the answers to the rest ... Tod, a brooding, sarcastic, rookie Reaper.

It is hard to tell you anything more about the story without divulging any of the fantastic twists and turns; there are plenty of surprises to uncover in this novel. Rachel Vincent's writing is fantastic due to it's quick pace and originality. She has such a fluid way of writing and manages to describe inter-actions in unique manner that you actually feel like you are in the room with the characters.

Kaylee is an amazing character - she is so caring, ordinary in concept, extremely loyal, giving, stubborn and fierce. Also, she is intelligent with a hint of insecurity that you just can not help yourself but to fall for her. I love the characters wry humour and quirkiness. I found it easy to become attached to the characters and I felt as one with their thoughts, feelings, fears and desires.

My overall rating for this book is:  4.4 out of 5

Midnight Poetry

The world is a funny place

and at times it's a total stranger.

Sometimes it passes very slowly

or way too fast against our will.

We never really seem to learn

how to use the time we have got -

For things we truly want to do.

It is here and then it is gone.

For yesterday is but a memory

of special moments already passed.

Let's forget what has been and done

and make the new moments last.

The special moments that people share

together right here, right now.

Nurture the love within our hearts

and create more time -

Some way, some how ...

Soul Screamers Reading Challenge - My Soul To Lose

My Soul To Lose is the prequel novella to Rachel Vincent's Soul Screamers series.  It serves as a teaser to the series and primarily is a "meet and greet" to the series heroine, Kaylee Cavanaugh.

It begins as what seems to be an average, ordinary shopping trip to the mall with Kaylee's best friend, Emma. The goal to their outing is to plot revenge on Kaylee's slime-ball ex due to the fact that he dumped her a week before the home coming dance then proceeded to immediately invite Emma as his replacement date.

You soon discover that Kaylee is afflicted by eerie and strange panic attacks. Unfortunately, to Kaylee's mortification and terror she suffers her worse attack in the middle of the Sears department store - where she sees disturbing shadows cloaking a young (what the reader assumes to be a cancer inflicted) boy. Leaving Kaylee with a certain dread that this boy will die ... soon. Kaylee struggles to reign in her painful, soul consuming, horrific screaming fit but fails as grey fog appears and creepy things slither around in the corners of her vision.

Kaylee awakes confused, scared, pinned and strapped down to a bed in the psychiatric ward of her local hospital. Her imminent desire is to get out and back home where things are normal, but in order to do that she needs to convince the doctor and the staff that she is not crazy.

Angry, she struggles to cope with her feelings of betrayal stemming from how could her custodians (her Aunt and Uncle) allow her to be and leave her in a psych ward which, in turn, leads her to loneliness and despair. Trying to play the rules and the game to award her sanity and ultimately her escape; she fumbles and lets it slip that she saw fog engulf her surroundings, shadows wrapping around the kid and the horrible feeling that the boy would die during her attack. Hallucinations are an indication of mental illness - right? Kaylee does not believe that she is crazy, but what other explanation could there be for these attacks and images?

During her "imprisonment" on the ward she catches the attention of a strange yet compelling patient named Lydia. Kaylee knows that something is "off" with this girl but needs to focus on getting herself out of there.

During a visit with her Aunt and Uncle a disturbing scene unravels as a new male patient is brought in. This revelation convinces Kaylee's Uncle that this is not the place for his niece or the way to help her with her panic attacks. New found hope that her Uncle will try to get her home Kaylee impatiently awaits her departure. Surely her Uncle can get her out all she needs to prevent is screaming again before he can succeed.

The new male patient is not going to help ... the shadows appear and the shriek is clawing its way out of her throat. Lydia rushes to her aid and tells her that she can help with the pain; that she can "take it" from Kaylee and stop the scream before it rips out from her, but if Lydia does this something else might be taken too...

The novella ends abruptly and leaving the reader with a sense of what the ...? Too many questions linger leaving the reader desiring more - itching to get the answers to many unanswered questions driving you to read the first book of the series.

My overall rating for this quick, short and engaging read is a 3.9 out of 5

Soul Screamers Reading Challenge

I am an avid reader of many genres of books. Over my long Christmas/New Years vacation from work I had loads of time to read, read, and read some more. I grabbed Soul Screamers Volume One by Rachel Vincent from my local drug store while awaiting for a refill of my HRT. I was in the mood to try out a new author and see if I will become addicted .... which I did! I devoured the paper back in one day and needed more. I uploaded the remainder on my Touch Kobo and preceded to devour the rest (seven in total) and I am itching for the latest - which is not to be released until June 2012.

I went on line to see what other books by Rachel Vincent I could read and stumbled across this reading challenge (http://www.fiktshun.com/fiktshun/2012/01/06/soul-screamers-reading-challenge/). I though why not? I sometimes write a synopsis/review of books I have thoroughly enjoyed on my blog before. Why not do the same for these and have a possibility of winning something in return?

I will have to re-read them again so that I can keep each book apart from the completed story that is fresh in my mind. I have problem with re-reading each one as I was enthralled with each and always love to re-read the books I enjoy over and over again.

Keep posted for my thoughts on each and wish me luck!

Upper Extremity Specialist Appointment

I saw the Upper Extremity Specialist yesterday. It was a long and very thorough appointment which left me in a lot of pain and I am still very sore today.

The Specialist advised me that I am suffering from a Ulna Nerve Entrapment/Cubital Tunnel Syndrome on both elbows. Basically, the ulna nerve is compressed and irritated from my elbows being in a 90 degree position from typing all day long. This has resulted in the numbness in my pinkie and ring fingers and has contributed to the lack of motorary function of my digits.

As for the sharp, intense, shooting pains that I suffer from in the back of my hand can also be a result from this nerve entrapment but more in like is more an infliction due to soft tissue damage in my muscles and extensor tendons due to over use by my speed typing. This may not be fixed and quite possibly be something I may have to live and cope with for the rest of my life.

The specialist highly recommends that I have an Anterior Submuscular Transposition of the Ulnar Nerve (surgery) on both of my elbows - which means two more surgeries to be added to my list. Here is the zinger of the whole situation: on average one has a 12 to 16 month window to correct a compressed nerve before permanent damage sets in. It has now been eight months since the onslaught of my symptoms and issues with my hands. As a result, I have been scheduled to have my left elbow done in February 2012. We are doing my left first as this is the side that is worse.

My stomach dropped and my heart got saddened at this information. It is not that I am afraid of surgery (lord knows I am a pro at this by now) but that concept of missing more work (especially when my absences are being monitored for another seven months) was enough to make my nauseous.

I fully understand that this has to happen and that I need to have this surgery to prevent further damage and disability but it doesn't ease my conscience with the fact that I have to inform my work of this news.

After discussions with my man, a close friend and co-worker and my mother; I am a bit more at ease. This is something that can not be helped - just like my other surgeries could not be helped either. I have not asked for these circumstances and as a result am not at fault. If I decided to delay or prevent these surgeries I would then place myself in a position to be placed on permanent long term disability in the next few years.

My hands are my livelihood and are a necessity in any one's life. It could possibly mean my job (which is very, very unlikely) vs. my quality of life ... kind of a no brainer on that decision.

The best thing is: we have now found out a huge portion of what the cause and that it is fixable. Now we can move forward and work at resolving this issue step by step.

December/Christmas in my Home

This is the time of year that many of us are extremely busy with Christmas preparations and shopping. For my household it is the busiest time of year for us. This is one of the times of year that we purge the house. We go through our closets and make three piles of clothing: (1) stuff that fits and will keep; (2) stuff that doesn’t fit or we don’t wear but are not in the best condition to discard; and (3) stuff that doesn’t fit or we don’t wear that can be donated. I also, take the time with my daughter to go through her play center and she decides what toys she no longer plays with that can go to children in need.

I take this opportunity to discuss and teach my daughter about people and families in need that go without due to many different circumstances. The whole process is a time for my family to ponder and consider the ones that are less fortunate and need a helping hand. We donate our clothes and my daughter’s toys to the Sheriff King Centre. I have explained to my daughter that the clothes that do not fit us go to moms’ and children that are without a home and that are fleeing from a bad situation and need help to get back onto their feet - sorta like what Grandma and Papa did for us when we needed help.

This time of year is about giving, love and respecting all of mankind. I teach my daughter that it is not just about Santa and presents. We do part take in the normal festivities that occur around this time of year; but we also take this month to reflect on how lucky we are to have what we do have and to be generous and share with people who are not as fortunate as ourselves.

Many things in life are privileges and not a given right – I strongly believe that my daughter needs to be constantly aware of this. With this humbling knowledge she will learn to not take things for granted, open her heart to the less fortunate and to learn to give to the individuals who are in need of a helping hand and a kind gesture.

What I have noticed over the years is that my daughter has a kind heart and is extremely generous – sometimes very over zealous with her generosity. It always humbles me and gives me great pride to watch her diligently go through her clothing and toys; to see how beautifully generous and kind she is. Especially, to see how aware she has become and have her show that she comprehends to true meaning of giving, love and respect for mankind.

Whip Out the Christmas Granddaughter

Thanks to the warped mind of my brother - he made a good (but very disturbing) point. My daughter's grandparents, on her father's side, kinda treat my daughter like a Christmas Tree. They just want to see her around the holiday's and then discretely pack her off in a box, once the holidays are over, until next year.

How am I to address this lack of interest to my daughter? It isn't her - but them. I can't possibly fathom how they do not really care enough to want to have any kind of relationship with her outside of her father and away from the Christmas Holidays; therefore, have no logical explanation to provide my daughter.

How do you comfort somebody for the ignorance and neglect of someone else? There is no real way to explain to my daughter their absenteeism. There really aren't any words to say that will comfort her?

All that my family and myself know to do is lavish her with love and re-affirm that we do love her unconditionally until the end of time. Comfort her with hugs and kisses while we wipe her tears away.

Over the years, my daughters pain has been masked. She just blocks them out; pushes them to the side and doesn't really give them a second thought. But one day those suppressed feelings of hurt and anger will re-surface and then what? I will just have to deal with it when it occurs (I guess). Hopefully, by then I have stumbled over a solution.

Author: Stephenie Meyer

Stephenie Meyer has a tremendous talent to project her characters by delving into their individual psyche allowing her characters come alive by making them realistic in every aspect. What I enjoy most is her talented skill to write in away where it is possible for the reader to fully experience the character's feelings almost as if they were your very own.

I was introduced first to Stephanie Meyer through her book: The Host. I was immediately drawn in and hooked into the story from the very first page. Her style of writing makes it very hard to put any one of her books down. I thoroughly enjoyed The Host and was eager to read anything else she may have published. So, I found the "Twilight Saga". (Note: I read the series before any of the Movies came out in theatres) I have to admit I became addicted and easily read the series back to back in one weekend. (Since then, yes I have returned to re-read them many other times).

In The Twilight Series she writes from the perspective of Bella (primarily) and Jacob. Every time I read these books I am curious ... what is Edward thinking, how is does he perceive this situation. Edward is very cryptic in general which creates the intense mystery behind his character. Imagine a book about why he smirks or laughs out of the blue... to know what minds he is hearing at that given time. A book explaining the pain and torture he puts himself through because it is so drawn to Bella in many ways.

So, I decided to visit Stephenie’s official website to read up on the author herself and to see if she has any current projects on the go or anything soon set for publishing. That is when I discovered she had plan to write a book from the view point of Edward. YES!! I was excited. But my excitement was squashed when I discovered that a draft version some how got leaked out on the Internet and now ... it may or may not happen. She’s posted 12 Chapters of the draft she had done up to that point and time.

I hummed and hawed on whether I should read it. After all, I know how addictive her writing is; and could I just stop at whatever point she got too? After many visits (well, numerous visits over many, many months) to her website with my mouse pointer hovering over her link to the story and quickly retreating from the site to avoid the temptation.... I caved.

Dammit!! Why, why did I do that to myself? I must be sadistic - it was enthralling, amazing and everything I expected it to be ... and now I am left hanging, totally revved up and craving more with a good possibility to never get what I want. Sheesh I am dumb, dumb, dumb - why or why did a cave and loose my will power after so many months and attempts ....

(I have to admit I am a sucker for punishment and will probably read her online draft many times - because yes it is that good).

I patiently await any future works of art done by this talented author. Stephenie Meyer you have me hooked ... I am a fan.

Enough is Enough - Don't You Think?

My mother seems to flock to family drama like a fat kid on a smarty . With the recent email's with the ex-in-law, she has called frequently to rant her anger from hurt feelings and also too see how I am coping and feeling with everything. Which is all good but, sometimes I find it difficult, that after six years, it seems she just can't let go fully.

Whenever she has the opportunity she calls to see if we have heard from my daughter's father or whether MEP has managed too track him down for the child support arrears. Too me, I am just .. whatever ... to the whole situation. After six years of this crap occurring regularly, I just don't care anymore.

If I see money, hey, it is a bonus. However, I haven't banked on receiving child support from day one and I don't plan to change now. He hasn't called or touched base (via texting or email) in over seven months - why ask? I highly doubt that he will start now; especially, since he is avoiding MEP and trying to hide from being found and force to be held accountable to his financial obligations.

My mom constantly asks me to take him to Court for soul guardianship - but that can be so costly and he would fight tooth and nails on principle alone (lets cost JnNBK as much money as possible and drag this Court battle out as much as he can).

My theory and view on the whole circumstances is this: I have all the evidence and proof to go for and have soul guardianship granted to me. Why should I fork out more money on this man then I have too? If he doesn't like his daughter's decision to have nothing to do with him, then he can take me to Court.

I wish - that would make my day! Take me to Court, he can pay for the costs for me to go after and get soul guardianship of his daughter. Right now, there is no real need for me to have soul guardianship (as it doesn't affect my parenting rights and choices) - it would be more of a vengful slap in his face (which to me is just spiteful and childish). Yes, the moment that not having soul guardianship does cause issues, then I will go to Court and get what I need to ensure that I can parent my daughter efficiently and effectively.

Now, the dilemma is this, how do I get it through to my mom that I don't like discussing this man any more. I have spent too much time on his wasted flesh already. Does he honestly need to be the center of attention in my mother's world too? There will be times in my life that, yes, I will have to give some of my time to this man (when my daughter asks questions or if/when he decides to pop up from the woodwork and reappear in our lives). But, I choose not to give him any more of my time then is required or necessary. My mother needs to do the same.

Tactful and Diplomatic Response

After venting/ranting out my anger and a nice long walk. I managed to calm down and think rationally to write a response to the email that would clearly state my daughters position and her reasoning behind her decision.

Here it is:

"I have already had many conversations with [my daughter] about this upcoming Christmas.

This point in time, [my daughter] does not want anything to do with [her father and yourselves]. She does not want to communicate in anyway. The decision is [my daughter’s] alone; as I am no longer forcing my daughter to do anything that she feels strongly against. I will no longer cause anymore unnecessary stress and emotional strain to her.

The lack of contact and interaction of [all of you] in [my daughter’s] life this past six years and especially, the past two years, have had a huge impact upon [my daughter]. As such, she has now formed a solid opinion and negative feelings towards you all.

[My daughter] is very intelligent and intuitive to her emotions which in turn makes her very stern and stubborn with regards to her insight and decisions.

She had wished to work her feelings out with the assistance of her Psychologist before attempting to build a relationship with any of you. Unfortunately, she has been unable to see her Psychologist as [her father] has continually failed to place a simple phone call to provide his consent (even after numerous requests by [my daughter] and myself in the past 11 months). Now, [my daughter] does not care to even try.

Sometimes things get broken and just can not be fixed; no matter how much you wish it to be."

***please note the items in square brackets were amended to ensure my anonymity***

I thought this was the most tactful and diplomatic way to get the message across. I wrote a few drafts to ensure that I was being the mature, responsible parent. It isn't easy having to be a spokes person for your child, especially when you are dealing with a matter as sensitive as this.

It is bound to send tempers off the roof; but nothing you can do to ease the hurt from the bare, naked truth of reality.

Aaaaaarg!! Seriously?!

I was expecting a call or text or email from the ex - with regards to Christmas visitation (god knows he has to play the loving doting father that he is not). Appearances are everything for this man.

What I was not expecting was an email from his mother. Which was in her typical style of nice, snotty, innocent victim that she loves to play. Why can't these individuals take a moment to read what they type before sending it to me? I am fully aware that my ex and his parents see me as the dumbest individual on the face of the earth but COME ON - I am not that gullible to their antics anymore.

She had the tenacity to state that she stayed away for six years for BOTH my daughter and my self's interests. Also, too top the cake, that now that my daughter is seven it is of importance to be involved in her life and develop a relationship and blah, blah, blah BLAH...

What? The first six years of my daughters life she wasn't interesting or good enough to know or have a relationship of any kind with them? Nah, it must be that those six years were not her most developmental years and, therefore, didn't require a relationship with her grandparents on her father's side? No, no, no; I got it ... now that she is seven she is more gullible to buy into the smoke and mirrors act - that they feel they can manipulate her with their lies - that has to be it!

What they don't comprehend is that they, in fact, do NOT know my daughter; and therefore, have the tenacity to honestly think she isn't intelligent enough to see t through their bull shit.

Am I mad? Hell yes! Why wouldn't I be? I have tried and tried over and over again to include my daughter in their lives and push for them all to have a relationship. But, time and time again we were rejected. I don't care what they have done or said to me, personally. What I do care about is what they have made my daughter feel over and over again.

Actions speak louder than words. Their lack of actions towards their supposedly "precious granddaughter" has only made my daughter form a negative opinion and feelings towards them. What do they honestly expect? A miracle....well, we all wish to experience a miracle in our own life time but the chances of that happening are slim, nil to none.

Breathe in ...... Breathe out .....

I will need to take some time too cool down and mellow before I tactfully respond to their demands. Like always I will be the better and more mature person.

Knitting Update

I have noticed in my stats that my blog entry about attempting knitting has received a lot of views. So, here is an update on my introduction into the world of knitting.

With the problems with my hands I find it very difficult - in the sense that I can not do it for too long of a period due to the pain. This frustrates me as I just want to knit and go, go, go and see huge progress but having to stop to do stretches, hand flexing exercises and rest just takes the thrill right out of the project/piece that I am working on.

I definitely find knitting to be very addictive and surprisingly very relaxing. I have to admit that I rely learning care of you tube videos and demonstrations (as I am a visual learner and once I see how it is done I can duplicate it) then out of a book about knitting.

Patterns? Well, I have yet to follow one. I need to learn the knitters abbreviations and lingo to be able to confidently follow a pattern. To date I have made 4 toques, 2 pairs of leg warmers (for my daughters dance lessons), a scarf and a diamond lacy shawl. I did start a blanket; but in turn got bored as it seems to be a never ending project. I am currently working on a pair of funky leg warmers for myself.

I am getting very comfortable working with circular needles and prefer them over straight needles. I like that fact that when knitting in the round you just go, go and go with no real thought to flipping and keeping track of the right side the project.

I am seriously considering taking the leap and trying a sweater; which in turn, means following a pattern. As I research easy, peasie, simple sweater patterns - I get apprehensive at some of the descriptions .... like having to use a stitch holder and then pick up those stitches at a later time or having to piece and sew to attach the parts in order make it into a sweater (my sewing skills lack quite a bit).

I know that with time I will become more confident and will become more courageous to attempt more. I know that it is the first leap into faith of my skills as a knitter that I will struggle to with the most.

Need to Stop and Smell the Roses!

I sometimes enjoy sitting out on my front step in the coolness of the night which is shrouded in a dark cloak and feel at ease. I like to take those moments and just ponder on my position in life and reflect on my decisions that have brought me to this particular stage. Majority of the time I am grateful for my decisions (good or poor) as they have brought me to this point and time. On the whole I am very satisfied where I am at today...

I have a beautiful daughter that is kind, polite, sweet, loving, smart and very talented. I have an amazing man that understands and accepts me for all that I am. He is patient, compassionate, loving and, most importantly, he is flexible to my moods and personality fluctuations as we stumble along in life as a family unit.

I have had my hardships and difficulties - but majority of these were out of my control and I just had to find ways to cope and manage to get through them. I am over-all generally healthy (besides being 55 lbs over weight and a smoker). I am in the process of getting my hormone replacement therapy under control which in turn should improve my poor sleeping habits, my weight and my moods.
I have to remind myself on a regular basis to be patient - - that all good things come with time.

It is hard to wait sometimes, as like many, I just want to get it done and over with! "Let’s move on already" is my mentality to many things. It is a challenge to stop, breathe and slow down. It seems at times that I am in a rush to get through life; when in reality, I need to take a moment to savor all my accomplishments but mainly I need to slow down to enjoy myself, family, friends and life.

Financial Struggles of a Single Parent

I can not fathom why a parent would not want to have anything to do with their child. How can they not want to know what they are up to or how things are going on in their lives? It is very hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that my daughter’s father has not seen her in over two years and has not called her in over seven months.

I would be going nuts! If I was in his position I would be calling daily to see how her day was at school; check to see if she is enjoying her dance classes and how she is in general. You could not pay me enough money to not see her/have a relationship with her. Also, I can not understand shrugging off all my parental responsibilities ... including any financial responsibilities. I would do everything in my power to ensure that child support was paid and offer any other assistance for my child by purchasing clothing, toys, books and anything she may need or require.

I do find it frustrating that I do not receive child support and now he is hiding from MEP to avoid getting his wages garnished (again). He has managed to find a new loop hole....he quit his previous employer and is avoiding MEP to confirm his new employer. Now he can hide from paying child support (well at least until he files taxes). Does he honestly think that he is just punishing me? I will go without before my daughter ever does - I will do whatever it takes to ensure that she has the necessities in life; even if that means I walk around with holey underwear and bras.

As a single parent I do struggle to make ends meet and run off of a very strict budget. I have never banked on receiving child support (which has turned out to be very wise of me). The rare times that I have received any payment from MEP it has been a bonus and that money is used to go have "fun" with my daughter while placing majority of it for her future education savings. My current budget is tight and doesn’t allow me the luxury of taking my daughter out to movies, dinner and going to new exciting places. I know that this is a fact of life, but at times I beat myself up for not being able to do these type of activities with my little one. What parent doesn’t want to do "fun" outings with their children.

I think that it is pretty sad that my daughter tells her friends that something is "just not in my mommy’s budget". Yes, this may be teaching my daughter the appreciation for money and makes her realize that there isn’t much free in life. But should a child need to learn this fact at such an young age?

There are times that I lay awake at night madder than snot that her father shrugs off all responsibilities and limits the type of lifestyle I could potentially offer our daughter while he goes gallivanting around the city with no real cares in the world to tie his conscience down. He wares expensive name brand clothing and accessories and goes out every weekend "living it up" while I have to sit and explain to my little girl that maybe in three to five paychecks I might be able to afford taking her to see a movie in the theaters.

Does this really sound fair?