Marriage? Nope! Not for Us

I have had numerous discussions  with my Handsome man . . . is there a need for marriage?


I have been married and divorced; he was engaged and his fiance left him one month prior to their wedding day. From each other's experiences we don't believe marriage is all that it is cracked up to be. Neither one of us has a desire to be married.


In our views and opinions marriage is a legal document that states you have chosen a specific person to be your husband/wife. Just because you are married doesn't guarantee that you are committed to making the marriage and/or relationship work or that you are committed to one another. The main reasons most decide to get married are due to religion, family/society and the glamour placed around a wedding. Instead of marriage, why not be together because we love each other  and because we want and choose to be together.


Commitment for us means that you are dedicated to making a relationship work, and allowing the love for one another to flourish, grow, and strengthen day in and day out. The word "commit" means "to be bound" that you have pledged/vowed and/or promised to be bound to someone, whether it is convenient to you or not. When someone hears "committed" they think "wow, they are serious about their relationship". Commitment describes a state of mind and determination towards a relationship and individual.


Our outlook is that commitment to each other does not need to come from marriage; that it in fact, comes from being together, seeing a future with one another and loving each other unconditionally which surpasses any piece of paper. Being committed is something spiritual that no one else can feel the way we do for one another.


We strongly feel that we do not need or want to get married but we do want to be together of the rest of our lives and that is more than enough for us. We don't need to prove to anyone how much we love each other by inviting them to a wedding, to see us hold each other's hand, say "I do's", wear expensive traditional clothing, eat expensive food, watch us dance, cut cake and supply a party of a life time.


The way we each treat each other, talk to and look at one another, and how we talk about the other is the true way to show our love and commitment between us.

Last night Handsome presented me with a pre-commitment ring (which would be like an engagement ring). We plan to have commitment bands designed and have a small commitment ceremony for my daughter's benefit -- at that time he will present a pendant to her when he makes his commitment vows to her as a step-father.

To Relocate or Not too?

I can't help but wonder if where I live is the best place to raise my little girl? The benefit is that all of my immediate family resides in the city but is it a good, safe place to raise my child?

I understand that every place has a bit of crime, drugs, alcohol and potentially bad influences; but some places have an extreme reduction to where I am currently living.

The question and battle is: should we relocate and if so, managing the move and obtaining a new job.

Food for thought in my mind - I will have to figure out what is best for my family and whether or not do it.

Surgery Queen is Fearful

Some of my friends and family tease me about the numerous surgeries that I have had to undergo (ten in total) - - the call me the Queen of Surgery.  Going under never really fazed me. I have the faith and trust with the medical personal that were performing the procedure; the one thing that would always make me axioms was having to get an IV.


I would nonchalantly go into the hospital packed with my backs, relaxed and ready for the deep, drugged induce sleep that is cause by the general anaesthetic did it's job. I never fully understood why my closest friends and my family would be stressed out and anxious for any of my procedures - after all I have had so many I just thought they'd be used to it like I was.


Well now I fully understand, that after having been put in their shoes. My daughter had to go for an tonsillectomy and adenoidectomy this last September. My heart knew that she was in good hands and that the medical personnel were well trained and would do an amazing job, but my heart raced and I was stressed out and extremely anxious. 


My baby was going under! She would have to lie on that narrow metal table and be strapped down. She is little and that can be scary. I did take it upon myself to ensure that my Princess was well informed of what it would be like. I went and printed of the Children's Hospital's booklet on what to expect for your day surgery. I would ready it to her every night and describe what to expect to be done once she was inside. 


My Princess was so brave and I was so proud of her. I was so hard to watch her walk off hand and hand with the nurse into the operating room. I was jumpy and had to be in constant motion while I waited the 45 minutes for my pager to buzz letting me know that it was all done and to report back to the waiting room for the surgeon to come out and talked to us.


My heart just bloomed at the news that it was over and that she was okay. Then I was unsettled while I waited for the nurses to wheel her bed back into her room for observation. In she came, blue popsicle in hand, raspy whispering to me that her throat hurt a lot. As soon as she was settled in and had her vitals check; I crawled up in bed and just coddled her, kissing her forehead, cheeks and hair telling her over and over again that I was so proud of my big brave girl!!

I felt utterly defenseless and useless when she was in surgery. I finally experienced what everyone has did whenever I went under the knife and it completely sucks.

Bye-Bye Winter!

I am starting to get tired of the cold, bleak winter weather; I have enjoyed the winter we have had but now I have had enough of it. I want the spring to come. I want to see the grass turning green, the trees budding with life. I want to spend time going to the garden centers while my daughter picks out flower seeds to plant and then be out doors helping her to plan out and plant her garden. I long to be able to have a nice long walk on a warm evening after work (which would be a welcomed change to my treadmill). I want the warmer weather to come so that we can go back out to the lake and camp to our hearts content.

I love being out at the lake. I love the quietness, the serenity; to just be in amongst mother nature enjoying the sounds, the scents and the quiet calm of having nothing pressing to do. To just sit, relax, listen to the pole-pine trees softly knock in the wind and enjoy the fact that the only pressing concern I'd have would be what to do for the day (should we take a hike, go to the lake for a swim, paint, read or quad)?

I am done being a hermit of sorts, and I am eager to spend majority of my time outdoors - picnics, hikes, parks, our adventurous drives that always lead us somewhere new and exciting. I want the sun to come out and warm up my face and my soul.

Isolation

Surrounded by friends

Talking over coffee

Smiling, laughing

Enjoying their company

Yet I fee so isolated

People try to 

Crack me open

Trying hard to 

Get to know me

Yet I push them away

Afraid I won't be accepted

Terror of revealing myself

The fear

Imprisons me

In my world of

Isolation

Super Models vs. The Average of Soceity

I strongly believe that the fashion industry has created an unrealistic idea on body image. I have yet to see what is an average size person for the majority of society in a fashion magazine.


We look at these beautiful super models; desiring their figures and their sexual aura that they ooze throughout the camera lens. But do we ever stop to think what kind of hardship did that model go through to obtain the stick figure? Do we actually comprehend the time it takes to get the beautiful, perfect hair and the flawless make-up on? Chances are when that model woke up to head off to her photo shoot she/he looked just like the most of us do first thing in the morning with no make-up on. The only major difference is that he/she is abnormally thin from dieting, severe exercising. Most of those models have major eating disorders to ensure their figure is ban on for the demands of the fashion industry.


I think that it would be refreshing to see a regular mother dolled up to the nines in one of those magazines. Once you have a child your body is never what it was before you conceived. Your hips never really go back to the exact size they were pre-pregnancy. Some mothers have stretch marks now and our breasts change from breast feeding (they are not as "perky" or firm as they once were).


Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I believe that it is a true right of passage to have a child and that the changes our body undertakes is something to be cherished. I just want to see a size 13/14 woman in a magazine looking back at me. The average size for a Canadian female is  a size 12 to 15 which is a far cry from the average size of a model.


I truly believe that if the fashion industry were to have the average size person in society in their magazines that we would see a huge reduction in eating disorders and usage of diet pills. I am a strong believer that eating a proper healthy diet and completing daily exercise should be enough on any anyone's plate than adding the stress of trying to become ridiculous thin like the super models are.


We need to take in consideration of our bone structure and our height to calculate what the ideal BMI we should be (which does vary to each individual). We should try to strive to be in our ideal BMI range and accept our bodies curves when we are within that range. The BMI range is calculated by medical personnel that state that is when we will be at our healthiest size and weight. 


So why doesn't the fashion industry embrace that?

Family and "Me" Time

One of my favourite things to do is spend time with my family. Sometimes it can be a bit stressful and I have to admitted a mental groan sometimes occurs at the thought of getting together; but once the day is complete, I come home feeling loved and glad that I made the time.


It is sometimes sad that all of my immediate lives in the same city (no more than a 40 minute drive away) but I get caught up with my life and time lapses between visits. It's amazing how mundane chores and activities, such as grocery shopping, appointments or dance class for my daughter, can eat up my time and the weekend flies by me before I know it. One week leads into another and I realize that it has been almost a month since I have spent any time with my parents, brother, nieces and in-laws.


I am very big on quality family time. I believe that spending time with my family (along with my man's family) is important. There is nothing better than spending time with loved ones, laughing, talking and recharging my foundation of whom I am. Family will always unconditionally love me and accept me for whom I truly am. Besides, the more people to care for my daughter and I the better I feel on those rainy, blah days that everyone experiences once and awhile.


I love the feeling of being needed and that my effort to help does not go unnoticed. It makes me feel good that I took the time to help someone (especially a loved one) in their time of need. I also, enjoy the feeling of being missed and to have someone want to spend time with me to catch up or shoot the shit.


I thoroughly enjoy my down time (my alone time) to stop and reflect on life and myself. I have not spent much time on myself for a long time. I have been too wrapped up with others' needs and desires to pay any attention to my own. I think that for the next little while I am going to focus on me. get back into working out daily (which was always a great way for me to mellow out and soul search), spend some time reading, and catching my breathe. I am not going to get all wrapped up in myself but just take some time doing the things I like to do. Maybe this will help elevate some of my blue moods and make them less frequent.


Only time will tell.

Poetry: Written back in September of 2002

Life is just one big game,

Some people know how to play it,

and some don't.

Live each day for yourself,

Go to bed happy!

Because life has no guarantees --

you never know what will come next!

Journal Entry: I was 17 years old

Every once and awhile I go through my old journals, last night I was doing the same and the first entry I flipped open to was this one:

I sit up late a night, with the  softness and the silence which enriches the world. Hoping that the answers will be given to me. As I wait; no answers are given. What or whom would answer my questions? I truly do not know.

I guess the never ending child within me keeps a hold of a dream; wanting and cherishing everything around me. Longing for something and/or someone to reach out to me. To provide shelter from . . . well, I guess I do not know.

Maybe the feminine side of me is searching for the motherly love from a masculine figure. I can not help but wonder; will I ever find him? I quite possibly might die an old maid; filled with wisdom of life, but left ignorant about love. Maybe I can say that I spent my life searching and longing for love yet never successfully finding it. Maybe I might be lucky enough to say that I had a chance to grasp it but I let is slip through my fingers like small grains of sand.

 I watch other girls at my school sweep guys off their feet and I can not help but wonder will I ever be able to do or experience that too? The one thing I don't really comprehend is how some of these girls are capable of doing this, yet they do not really know what the exactly have. The walk around teasing and taunting young boy's souls and emotions for the game and the thrill of doing it.

Why is it that not everyone has a full grasp on the idea and concept of love? Personally, If ind it quite simple . . . once you find love, keep it and cherish it for not everyone is as lucky to obtain it.

More Surgery: Oophorectomy

After my hysterectomy, back in the hospital room my folks came to check up on me. In my drugged haze I recall my father asking me how I felt. "Hollow" was my response. Hollow - what I was trying to express was that all the internal pain, swelling and discomfort was gone! It was an odd sensation for me after living with it for so long. My surgeon and my parents all laughter at my response. My dad told me that I looked amazing even after a six hour procedure because the pain was now gone from my face and eyes.


I wasn't out of the operating room very long when I had a phone call from my ex-husband. I thought it was my daughter (who was in his care for Christmas holidays) calling to say hello. Nope, it was my ex wanting to tell me "good luck finding a man now that you are half the women you used to be". Yes, this was the man I decided to have a child with and marry. I am grateful that I wasn't too incoherent enough from the medication to come up with a good come back for his statement. "I'd rather die an old hag than have to spend one more minute in a relationship with you again".


I recovered normally after the surgery and I was blessed with seven blissful months of no pain or discomfort. Then it cam back with the force of a speeding locomotive! Back to the specialist I went and began the whole process of being a lab rat for just under two years when it was finally concluded that I should have an oophorectomy.


November of 2009 I had my ovaries removed. It has been a blessing and a curse. I no longer have pain which is awesome but now I have to battle with frequent spouts of depression and severe weight gain due to the HRT (hormone replacement therapy). The weight gain isn't a major problem it is the depression; which the weight gain does contributes too. (Have to love the vicious circle in that -- ironic).


There are days that everything is dark; my mood and my world. I have no desire to wake up and get out of bed; but I find a way too. I find myself  loathing my body, my looks and myself in general. I have odd dark thoughts that frighten me. I went my family doctor and she switch the type of hormone I was place on after my hysterectomy and placed my on an antidepressant; which has helped a lot with the dark thoughts and most of my self loathing. Hopefully in time I can state that I have left the darkness behind me and that I have completely overcome both surgeries and am back to being me.


Some days it is a slow process but each day gets better and bearer. I am truly thankful that I have a wonderful, amazing man in my life that is understanding of the bad days and moments. He is patient and supportive in my battle against the darkness.


I know that I will overcome this and soon it will be a faint memory of my life.

A Hard Decision . . . or Was It?

Since the birth of my daughter I suffered from severe endometriosis and andenomyosis. I had crippling pain everyday for over two years, when I undergo a complete hysterectomy with the conservation of my ovaries (in laymen terms: they took out everything but my ovaries).


I spent numerous hours on the web searching for information about endometriosis and andenomyosis in hopes I would find different measures I could try to minimize the symptoms which women with these endure. I tried many diet and exercise regimes, pain medication, anti-inflammortories, heating pads and ice packs.


I felt like I was a walking, talking lab rat. JnK try this; oh that didn't work what bout this? JnK have you tried that yet? We want you to go for blood work; we need you to go for an ultra-sound, a CAT Scan, another ultra-sound and more blood work . . . etc. These diseases were consuming my life; it seemed that all I did was live and breathe in search of answers and remedies.


It was a hard time for me. I was battling pain, weight gain, swelling, discomfort and exhaustion. I lived for the time of day when my daughter was in bed asleep, then I could finally lie down in a fetal position as I counted the minutes pass by until the pain medication took the sharp edge off (but never dulling the pain completely).


In 2007, I went for three surges. the final one being my hysterectomy. When my specialist advised me that I should undergo this procedure but that it was ultimately my body and my choice -- but he strongly believed that what was best for me was to have a hysterectomy. I was 28 years old and was forced to face a major decision that would affect my life in many ways positively and negatively. That my mind and body would be put through the ringer before and after this surgery. I would have to be placed on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) for over a decade, my body would be forced into early menopause, and that I would not have any way of being pregnant with another child.


I had to look into childcare for my daughter as I would have to be in the hospital for five days; and once back home I needed to find a way to her to and from daycare during the day so that I could take the time to rest and recuperate from the surgery. This wasn't to too hard in the beginning because I had a large amount of notice for my surgery, but then after my pap results came in I was informed the found abnormal cells on my cervix. This didn't necessarily mean cancer but there was a good possibility. Those words "abnormal cells" and "possibly cancerous" totally freaked me out! I was scared shit-less. They pumped my surgery up and was scheduled for the next week; which made things harder for childcare; but I was very lucky that my family stepped up to help me out.


My decision was based on the quality of life for myself and my daughter. I had to choose being healthy and living a pain free existence over the opportunity of having any more children. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the best choice for me and that I would not have any regrets afterwards.


My family was very supportive during this long horrible process and they wanted only what was best for me, my health and my well being. My mother would ask me over and over "Jnk are you sure that you will be okay with this decision?" She would reaffirm to me that having my reproductive organs removed would not make me any less of a woman; the "my uterus does not define me as a women". My mom was great at making me think further into my choice; to make me consider all of the Pro's and Con's of the procedure and to make sure that I was 100% positive and secure with my decision.


In the end, there was not one shred of doubt in my mind. What was best for my daughter and I (especially myself) was to have my diseased uterus removed.

Failure Can Lead to Motiviation

In early January 2011, I made a pact with a co-worker to get fit and set some goals to loose weight.; this way we can use each other as motivation to accomplish our goals. The first official weigh-in came up and I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to be good. I struggled for the strength to climb up on the scale. Looking down at the numbers my heart sank . . . I gained four pounds. I felt horrible and I had nothing and no one else to blame but myself.


Over the past month I have had no desire to work out. I started earring healthily and then I slipped back into my wold habits. Sure I can say I was very ill for over a week with a bacterial infection in my chest and then I had to have a chunk of my foot cut our which prevented me from working-out for a total of two weeks. But during that time did I make the effort to eat properly? Did I avoid junk food and fattening treats? No I did not.


Trying to be healthy and fit along with trying to loose weight is a challenge and a mental battle for me. I find it extremely hard with the dark cloud of depression looming over my head. I am unsatisfied with my physical appearance; I want to be thinner and ultimately be healthier -- to loose all the weight that I gained from my hysterectomy and oophorectomy.


I am a realist and I know that the only way I can do this is through proper diet and exercising; in other words with hard work and determination.  I find it extremely hard to workout when I feel mentally and physically exhausted when I get home from work. Most nights I just want to crawl into bed and sleep (but my insomnia prevents that).


My mood has been down most of the morning and I experienced a lot of self-loathing thoughts about my procrastination, lack of energy and determination to have accomplished any weight loss this past month.


I have to look towards the future and admit that this past month wasn't my best attempt; but that I can do better this month. I will have to force myself to get on the treadmill, due my hand weights and cut my sweet treats out of my diet. I know that I need to apply more of myself to these tasks.


March 10th is my next weigh-in, so when I get on that scale I want to feel good about myself even if I loose just one pound.  This month I will workout and I will eat healthy. I know that doing these two things will be an accomplishment which will make me feel a bit better about my self-image and will also help elevate that dark looming cloud of depression.


I will take it one day at a time and go from there. I am determined to do things differently this month and I will succeed. Slowly and surely I will accomplish any goal that I have set out for myself.


Positive thinking leads to positive results. I believe in myself which will allow me to accomplish anything!

Time Passes By Too Quickly

Sometimes days flow into another in a blink of an eye. I have difficulty know that in about two months my daughter will be turning seven years old. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was holding her in my arms rocking her to sleep, but at the same moment I can look at her and wonder: how on earth did I give birth to you? . . . that I can easily overlook how small she once was.


I have spent seven years watching her grow, mature and develop into the amazing little lady that she is and time flies by so quickly. Seven years have gone by so fast and I sit back looking at how that time flew in a blink of an eye; yet, there was so much that was accomplished and experienced in that time. I personally find it very humorous that once I became a parent that time evaporates and speeds by way too quickly. That seven years can pass me by as if it were mere minutes.

At night I awake,

becoming aware of

the hidden secrets.

The moon is the only

witness of the

passionate thoughts

arising.

The stars guide my soul

to a place I can rest.

Al my cherished memories

escape to the darkened

sky above -- Tranquility.

Lust grows for

sunlight, when 

love blooms,

and all the unknown

memories are created.

But at this time

I collect my thoughts

and go over the happenings

of the day and plan

for tomorrow's show.

Living the moment to

kiss the sweet supple

air of dawn.

Honestly?!

My ex-husband is a special breed all to himself (if you haven't picked that up yet from my other blog entries). He is a DBD (dead-beat-dad); he doesn't pay child support on a regular basis, he hardly calls to speak to his child and he has only seen his daughter a whopping six minutes in the past year and a bit. As as result I have a very hurt and ANGRY little girl.

I have ensured that when raising my daughter that she would speak her mind and not take any abuse from anyone. So, as a result of this, she has had some sharp blows that she has issued to her father on the phone. Of course, her father is not impressed or is not too thrilled with her attitude towards him. Honestly, what does he expect? After all he is a complete stranger to his own "birth child" (his words, not mine).

I find it a moment of great pride when she calls him on his lies and BS. Also, I find it very amusing that he is shocked by her anger. Does he honestly think that being an absentee father and not really caring, that this is going to make her want to kiss the ground that he walks on when he does decide to make an appearance and/or lame attempt? There will be a day, sooner then we all think, that she will tell him to "F-off". Man do I want to be a fly on the wall that day!

But at the same time, I have to wonder if my daughter is refusing to talk to him as a ploy for control over the relations and as a form of punishment -- to hurt her father as he has hurt her? I find myself at a cross-roads on whether I should continue to allow my daughter to set the boundaries of their relationship and do only what makes her feel safe and secure. Should I be trying to push her towards making the first steps of forgiveness and make her talk to him when he does decide to call her? 

It seems to be a constant balancing act on what is right and what is wrong. I have many people that are supportive of what I am currently doing and I have the same amount stating that it is wrong to let her go off on a power trip. Who is right? 

I thought that by allowing my daughter to have a choice and that I was not forcing her to do something she does not want to do; I was respecting her feelings and . . . well I don't know. I have to admit that things are always easier when her father drops off the face of the planet for long periods of time; but the havoc he creates when he decides to re-surface every once and a while just exhaust my daughter and I.

Insomnia Poetry

I have suffered from stints of insomnia since I was 12 years old. Sometimes I pass the hours by writing poetry. Here is a poem I wrote a while ago:

From where I stand I can see the people.

Their sadness, their melancholy.

I can see their dreams of tenderness and their hopes of life.

I can see their death and I can see their birth, their rebirth.

I feel their pain and their love, their embrace as ONE.

I see night's children sleeping in the fields of moonlight,

Each blade of grass stoking their faces, like wings of angels.

I can feel their release and they're dancing on mountain tops.

Along the clouds with the moon, suns and bodies of heavens.

And the people cry,

Because they know who hay are and it fades,

Like a light,

Going down from one darkness

into another . . .

Insecurities and Parenthood Fears

One of my fears is that my daughter might follow my path and make her own life experiences hard and difficult like I did. Everyone has insecurities but not everyone allows them to cloud there judgement and make poor decisions as a result.

I hope that my knowledge from my past experiences rubs off onto my daughter and that she doesn't go down the same path that I took. That way she can prevent herself a lot of pain, disappointment and self-loathing.

I fully understand that some of life's experiences are tests of our will and character. That we need to partake in some of these challengers to mature and develop into the individuals we are meant to become. I truly and honestly believe that life throws the hard curve balls at the individuals that are strong enough to face them and have excellent chances of succeeding and making the correct decisions.

Like many other parents in the world, my heart aches at the thought that my daughter will have to face these tests of time and that sometimes they will result in heartache and sorrow. What parent would not want to helper and protect their child from pain of any kind?

I guess part of parenthood is a test; to sit back and watch our beloved child(ren) stumble through life like everyone else and make mistakes from which they will learn from in return. That really all we can do is be in the shadows and offer our unconditional love, advice, guidance, wisdom, patience and support for them as they tumble up and down through life becoming the individuals that life knows that they are meant to be.

A Mother's Love Can Move Mountains

After the fog lifted I had time to do some soul searching and I came to realize that I married a manned I din not truly love. That, in fact, I married a concept; an image of an ideal family that I desperately wanted at the time.


I did not take the time to sit back back and think; Am I making the right decision? Can I spend the rest of my life with this man - to grow old with him? Can I or am I willing to share my inner thoughts and concerns with him? I allowed my judgement to be clouded and I failed to recognize all of the read flags about the physiological abuse. I over loaded the reality that things were just beginning and were only going to progressively get worse with time. 


I was naive and thought it was just a few blows to my ego, that the name calling wasn't that bad and it wasn't wasn't like it was all of the time. It was just me being too sensitive and taking everything he says the wrong way. I sure didn't think that this was just gradual ease into the abuse or that I would change my whole personality completely as a preventative measure.


Once the "I do's" were said it was like a switch was flick on to hyper-drive. Almost over night everything was stepped up many more degrees. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells and I had to think and plan my every move; try to predict what the outcome could possibly be. I didn't want to set him off. I didn't wasn't to feel small, degraded, alone and fractured like I always did when he went off on a tyrant. Everything and anything seemed to get him going (i.e. the way I peeled potatoes or how I washed the baby bottles).


At the time that this was all happening, I just shut down and withdrew deep within myself and every day blurred into on another. I was slowly evaporating and my individuality and personality were slowly fading away each and every day. Leaving just an empty shell of the person I once was. I could not stand to look in the mirror . . . I did not like myself anymore.


I constantly thought if I annoyed him this much or if he despise me this much then why is he with me? Nothing I did was ever right for him; I constantly did everything the wrong way. I couldn't cook, clean , eat, laugh or breathe properly to appease him. He had successfully brain washed me to believe that I was not worth anything better, and that there was no other man in the entire world who would ever possibly want me, love me or find me attractive. He stole my desire, my will and my strength to fight for myself.


It was the darkest time of my live. I felt like I was being smothered and slowly losing the strength to battle. I hardly recognized myself and that soon I would be dead. Dead of all feeling and that there would be no more life within me to exist.


The he made two huge mistakes! Firstly, he under estimated me and, secondly, he started to be verbally abusive to our baby girl (the first time she was only six months old). What he seemed to overlook or never even possibly considered was that my love for my daughter and my internal mother's instinct to protect, love and nurture my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent women was all the will, desire and strength I would ever need. I did not and was not going to raise my daughter in an unhealthy, negative and toxic environment such as the one we were in. I sure the hell did not want to teach my daughter that this was acceptable and normal treatment from a husband to his wife or a father to his child. I did not want my daughter to grow up and accept this type of treatment and abuse as appropriate behaviour and to have her live through the hell that I was currently in. He  under estimated me in many ways and he continues to under estimate me too date. The main one being that there is nothing in this world that will ever prevent me from doing what is best for my daughter and her interest as a human being!

Faith

I have been in a relationship with my man for over two and a half years now. I am still in awe and a bit dazed that I have managed to luck out and be in love -- real love. That I now have someone good, kind, patient and understanding that loves me and my daughter. I have managed to find someone who wants to be with me; flaws and all.

I still have fear . . . fear that this will end, that the bubble will burst one day. That nod day he might wake-up, look over at me and think: What the hell? What did I see in her?

I am damaged goods. I do come with a lot of baggage (emotional trauma) and my luck in life has not had a great track record. It seems that everything has been hard and that it usually comes at a huge price.

I tell myself that some of the past was given to me because I was strong enough to handle the difficult situations, to deal with them and mainly because I could survive them.  Honestly, there is only so much one can take. I like to think that because I had my fair share (if not more than some others) that life is saying:  Shit, we have crapped on Jnk a little too much over time, and maybe we should giver her a break. Let's allow her to have some happiness and ease of the drama . . . let's giver her some calmness.

I do not want to mess things up with my man. I love my position in life at this moment. I thoroughly enjoy being with my and sharing my life and family with him. I am truly blessed and extremely lucky to have him in my life and to have his love and respect.

Somewhere I once read something similar to:

"Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes destiny!"

In other words, I guess I need to have faith and think positively. If I apply this, then maybe this relationship will last until the end of time.

Verbal/Emotional Abuse

I listened to Alicia Keys "Karma" to help me get through my low times after I left my ex-husband due to verbal/emotional abuse at his hands.


I think that every one truly hopes that "what goes around comes around, what goes up must come down". We use this train of thought to pull ourselves out of the dark and fight to survive and learn from our lessons in life.


Many men and women assume that if they are not being physically abused by their partner, that they're not being abused at all. Verbal/emotional abuse (a.k.a Psychological Abuse) is becoming the new epidemic sweeping over the world.


Here are some true facts that I believe people should know about verbal abuse:


(1)   It is a blatant disregard to the person on the receiving end of the abuse;
(2)   It leaves memory magnets of continued self loathing;
(3)   It undermines the potential for mutual respect and trust;
(4)   Verbal abuse goes in one direction . . .  it escalates over time;
(5)   The content of the abuse is not about you; rather it is more about the abuser;
(6)   It does not stop on its own without appropriate intervention; and
(7)  The tendency toward domestic abuse can pass from one generation to the next.


If you are in a relationship in which your partner belittles you, berates you, undermines you, manipulates you, puts you down, calls you names, smothers your will, then take a hard and honest look at your relationship. Seek to understand the dynamics of emotional abuse and how you can interrupt the cycle. The sooner you do, the happier and better off you will be.


Remember that you need to respect yourself as an individual and that no one (especially yourself) every deserves that kind of treatment. Remember that the ramifications of staying in this kind of abuse relationship have long term affects.


Please be strong to stand up for yourself, a loved one or a friend who is suffering. Everyone is strong enough to overcome anything. Positive thinking leads to positive results. Sometimes in life you have to make your own karma and leave the bad situation(s) to better yourself and your loved ones.

What Do I Say?

It has been more than five years now since I took the courage and the strength to stand-up for myself and my daughter; to say "Enough is Enough . . .  NO MORE!"


It was one of the hardest and scariest decisions I have had to make, although one that I do not regret. I know with no doubt in my mind that it was the best and the wisest decision for my daughter and I. In late 2005, terrified and with only my clothes and the necessities for my 19 month old daughter, I left my ex-husband.


I know that one day my daughter will come to me seeking to know more and wanting some answers. She has already asked me why don't we live with her father and why did I leave him.


My daughter is definitely not old enough for the nitty gritty details of the truth. I could not lie or sugar-coat the truth either. What was I going to say?


I told her in the simplest terms: I left you dad because he was really mean too mommy and he was starting to br mean to you too. I left him in our best interests, safety and for our own happiness. She just nodded and told me that I did what was best for us.


One day she will come to me wanting more information, but I honestly don't know what I would say. I don't believe that she should know everything about my relationship with her father; to let her know what he was really like and all that he had done to me.


I have put that chunk of my life behind me, stuffed it deep into a corner of my mind, Locked the door and hidden the key. I am still haunted by that time -- especially the empty shell of a person I was. Some of that time is a blur to me, however I can still taste the fear that I lived in. I can still quiver with that sick feeling that I had just at the thought of having to go home and dreading having to see and deal with him.


I wouldn't want to influence my daughter's feelings, thoughts and/or impressions of her father. If I was to dig back into my past, it wouldn't just be painful for me but how could I hurt my child with the knowledge of the abuse? How could I possibly let my "baby" girl see her father that way? Her dad manages to constantly hurt and disappoint her on a regular basis all on his own. How could I make my child's wounds worse?


The truth is so horrific that it would only sway her outlook towards him. She has a right to not see the dark, mean and scary side of her father. What child would want to have the ugly truth about how horrible a person can truly be; let alone a parent.


I just want to protect my little girl from the sorrow, anger and disgust -- to save her the pain. It is a port of my life that I am not proud of and something I have chosen to forget and learn from. I survived and I am still surviving. It has taken me a long time to come back for it and I am still picking up the pieces and conquering the fear.


It was the darkest time for me and was my biggest mistake in judgment, but I got the most prized possession of my life out of it; my beautiful daughter and knowledge. I have changed and I battle not to allow that time to effect me now. It will always be a minor battle for me but I do have faith that one day my fear will be obsolete and my trust in others will come easier to me.

Poetry: Fighting Depression

       A darkened path

       that stretches on

              -- forever;

       I must continue my journey.

       At first I was scared,

       walking an unforsaken

              future alone;

       With a problem at every

       bend of the road.

       But, knowing that you are

              beside me -- I feel safe.

       Your sweet loving eyes

       light up my heart

       showing me what's ahead

              -- happiness

       Sometimes I wish

       that you're mine to own,

       yet, we're two individuals.

       With no control

       wondering down this

       darkened path blinded in

              Fear

       Enlightened with love.