Negativity and Emotional Parasites

Here are a few things that I have realized and/or have clued into and that are food for thought for many others:

• Negativity of any kind (may it be negative thinking or other’s negative ideology) cripples the human spirit from soaring.

• Negativity is contagious like yawning and has harmful effects.

• Complaining is worse than doing nothing. Instead of complaining just do it - work on fixing the issue or achieve a solution.

• Each time a complaint is made it becomes increasingly harder to climb out of the rut that’s been created by complaining.

• We have to work at appreciating what we do have instead of crying over what we may lack.

• Negative thinking people have a need to have the world be according to their own selfish wants and desires.

• Constant stress that comes from negativity drains your energy, focus and motivation to succeed.

• If I hang out with negative people, my mind will be negatively affected by their pessimism.

• I cannot change anyone but myself.

• I must stay away from negative people that are parasites and bring me down. I view them as Emotional Vampires. People that feed off my positivity and drain me dry leaving me feeling tired, drained, depressed, weak, agitated, inadequate and trapped.

 

• That I have had my share and experiences with Emotional Vampires and have categorized them in my mind as follows: 

The Narcissist - This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. They believe that the world does revolve around them and always steers the conversation back around to themselves.

The Controller - This person dictates and dominates everyone else. They are often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life. The Victim a.k.a.Poor Pitiful Me - This person is overly needy, usually has a story of how the world has wronged them one way or another and usually wallows in self-pity and misery.
The Drama Queen - This person needs to be the center of attention all the time. If they aren’t getting attend they tend to create drama believing that this rush of emotion is a healthy connection. They can be very nice; seeking your approval and quite charming when they have it but extremely aggressive and sometimes abusive when they don’t.

Signs of an Emotional Vampire are: they have nothing but bad news; you can never truly cheer them up; and their issues/problems never seem to get resolved and progressively get worse with time.

• An enlightening quote from the Dali Lama:

The fact that there is always a positive side to life is the one thing that gives me happiness. This world is not perfect. There are problems. But things like happiness and unhappiness are relative. Realizing this gives you hope.

Anything is achievable with the power of your mind and positivity and optimism.

 

Pathways of Life

I started life going down an almost a pre-destined path. As I made my way along this journey I became somewhat confident in the route that I was taking and found ways and solutions to overcome any obstacles or hurdles that life placed along the way. Every once in awhile I arrived at a cross roads along my trek. Sometimes it was a quick decision and off I'd go, and there were others that I had to stop for awhile and seriously reflect and ponder on which way I should turn and whether that it was a wise choice. Majority of the time my instincts steered me in the right direction.

But sometimes my judgement was clouded over with my emotions and insecurities. Occasionally I thought "uh-oh I made a mistake". There were times I had to back track and correct the direction and there where times that I trudged along and doubted whether or not I was correct... maybe it wasn't a mistake. 

Whether or not I made the correct choice I trudged along and hoped for the best. I have learned from my mistakes which in turn has horned my capabilities to listen to my gut instincts. It is hard to admit one's mistakes or poor judgment. Even more difficult is coming to the realization that sometimes it can be a loved one, friend or family member shackled to your ankles and slowing your trek down. The same goes for depression - - it can be a dark fog blinding your vision on what may lay ahead on the path. Carefully I must continue and fearfully but out my foot for the next step unsure if the ground is steady or not.

What I have discovered on my journey through life is that sometimes it may be the hardest thing I have to do but I need to drop the dead weight that is slowing my process down or to keep stepping forward through the fog. Every step I take in life will lead to another. Whether I have choosen the correct path to go down I can always take a few steps back and start over again.  That whatever happens along my journey I must continue and whatever it may be -- this too shall pass.

Life has it's ups and downs, things, places and people may come along and stay and others momentarily pass by me or stay behind. Whether someone passes me or decides to stay put I should never feel guilty that I have continued my journey nor I feel disheartened with someone passes me. I am here like many others trudging through this journey being optimistic that I will make the correct choices and hope to reach further enlightenment.

Where I have been has made me stronger, wiser and more confident as a individual and gives me the strength and the courage to continue on.  I am a result of life's tests, obstacles and hurdles and I know deep down to the bottom of my soul that I have become a stronger and better person because of it. That I will continue to become a better individual and that my life will bring me great happiness as long as I stay true to myself and my heart.  

Endocrinologist Update

So it seems that I have not been getting the right amount of Estrogen from the HRT program my doctor put me on after my hysterectomy.  My Endocrinologist has bumped up my dosage to the correct amount and I go back for more testing in December to see if my blood work shows a better result.

I was such a relief to finally have a specialist agree with me that "yes, your hormones are not balanced". After so many years of being told that my blood work falls into the norm. The Endocrinologist has further knowledge and insight on what exactly the levels represent. Mine told her that I wasn't getting enough estrogen for a post-menopausal woman and that I should not be classified as that due to my age. I am comforted knowing that this is being properly managed now and am confident that things will be going up from here on in.

As a result of not receiving enough estrogen my body stopped burning calories at the appropriate amount and as a result lead to my weight gain. With time my body will be re-programmed to burn calories like any average women. This then means, that in a couple of months, I will be able to start to loose weight and actually see results for my hard work and effort. Having a better body image will allow me to have a better mental outlook towards myself and alleviating my depression just a bit.

Endocrinologist Appointment - - Finally!!

Today I finally get to have my appointment with the Endocrinologist; after a six month waiting list. An Endocrinologist is a Doctor specializing in the endocrine system ... or simply put specializing in one's hormones.

I have been battling issues with my hormones every since I had my hysterectomy and, then later on, my oopheroctomy (which made my symptoms a lot worse). I am very optimistic and strongly believe that this specialist will be able to find the appropriate balance of my hormones which in turn will level off my depression and calm my metabolism rate (to allow me to loose the weight that I gained as a result of my surgeries and hormonal imbalance). I jam fully aware that there is no quick fix for my imbalance and that it still can take some time to find the right levels for all of my hormones but it is very comforting knowing that finally this issue is being looked at closely and seriously. It has been a long four years with dealing with highs and lows and the idea that with time and help of this Endocrinologist we might finally be able to level me off and things will look up from there on.

Depression is a constant cloud blocking out the light and sometimes making things hard to see and the battle with weight gain and failure to loose it has added fuel to the depression.

I have tried my hardest to remain optimistic and worked very hard to see the positive side on many things. It has been hard work and a long up hill battle. But attending this afternoon's appointment has eased some of the stress knowing that answers are with in reach. That it will just be a bit more time but the Doctor will find the right combination for my hormone replacement therapy to level my hormones - - which might possibly mean that I might one day be off my anti-depressants and can function with out prescription medication.

I do understand that I will be on artificial or biological hormones for quite some time still. But to not have to take a pill to dull the darkness that lingers is a happy and very positive concept that makes each day a bit better to get through.

Tardiness in Blogging (Update)

Well it has been a very long time since I blogged. I do apologize for my tardiness but I do have a legitimate reason and/or excuse. I have been dealing and coping with messed up hands. I fully didn’t comprehend how much one uses there hands until mine were taken out of commission due to severe pain and numbness.

There was numerous times that I couldn’t brush teeth or hair. The thought of having to wash my hair would make me nauseous knowing what kind of pain I would have to endure to complete the task.

There really isn’t a way to describe the feelings of uselessness that I felt and continue to feel (as my hands have not improved to date). It is embarrassing to ask for assistance with simple household chores like washing the dishes or needing someone else to pull the wet laundry out of the washer and move it over to the dryer because the pain involved is too unbearable.

How can I describe the stupidity I feel because I drop things majority of the time as I can’t feel the object in my hand. Or the fact that I fumble for a long time to get change out of my change purse to buy a coffee at Tim Horton’s. I have now become the customer that I would roll my eyes at because they are taking an annoying amount of time to slowly pull out their change to pay.

It has been a huge learning curve for me to change my routine to get things done and having to take the time to complete a task and learning to ask for assistance. I have had to adjust my way of thinking to cope with not being able to do things that I normally love to do (i.e.: painting or drawing) because of the pain. I have battled many days that I was down in the dumps from feeling useless, fed up of the pain, annoyed that I couldn’t do a task or having to wait upon someone else to do it for me. I am an independent women and having the taken away from me is something traumatic all together on its own.

I have been extremely lucky to have the support of my friends, family, loved ones and co-workers during this whole process. I have been so frustrated dealing with WCB and doctors as they tried to figure out what could be causing my hands to become this way. I have gone for a bone scan, ultrasound, x-rays, nerve conductivity testing and MRI. They are all baffled on what this could be. They have ruled out carpal tunnel and know that I was battling tendinitis and tendinsynovitis but there was not immediate findings to explain all my symptoms.

I discovered very fast that WCB looks for a quick fix and only tests the area where your symptoms are and doesn’t really care to find out exactly what is going on. They do things to make your life harder then it should be. I had to cancel all of my summer vacation because of WCB. They placed me in the most retarded physiotherapy program that was mandatory for me to attend. If I failed to attend then they would cut of my benefits; so bye-bye camping trips. It was hard for me to tell my husband and daughter that mommy had to stay home and not attend our planned vacation. It was heartbreaking to see their disappointment and anger when I suggested that they go without me so that they could have a vacation at least. Everyone was extremely aggravated and angry that they physiotherapy program the placed me into did not help but in fact made me regress further than what it was like in the very beginning. What we couldn’t comprehend is why WCB yanked me out away from my physiotherapist that was getting me results and improving my symptoms to attend this program that was unsupervised and didn’t give the time of day to the WCB patients and never listen to me when I was telling them that the stretching and exercises were increasing my pain.

As WCB does not have a definitive diagnosis to date they have dropped my claim and I am currently left to figure this out on my own with my family doctor. Now here is the awesome news!! Since WCB has dropped my claim I now have to do the waiting game. It will take me six to nine months to get my other MRI of my neck, shoulders and spine done. Once that is completed it will take me three to six months to get in to see the upper extremity specialist. Also, because WCB has dropped me I am back to work with numb hands and fingers, sharp shooting pains that go from my fingertips up to my elbow whenever I use my hands for too long (being a typist by trade doesn’t make rest very plausible).

But I have to do what needs to be done in order to have the financial backing to support my family. So, I go work all day to come home to pop pain medication (so that I can be comfortable enough to sleep) and repeat. They only great thing about being forced to return to work is now I am no longer bored out of mind and I have a feeling of purpose and usefulness again.